pics from my bbq party

Ah Beng

(Act 1)

Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you." Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.

(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE." The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

(Act 3) After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said. "FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked. Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

(Act 4) Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'." The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!" Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying, "C'mon man, I don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!" (milk in Hokkien)

(Act 5) Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me...."

(Act 6) In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'".

(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?" Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"

(Act 8)
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in.

S.H.I.T

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Students who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management andconsulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Sincerely,
The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)

Three women die together in an accident and go heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven. Don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity with this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being with you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

Alex is totally exhausted after work for almost 24 hours. So he goes into a bar and take a glass of water at the table and drink it. The water is not belong to him, but to the guy who sit next to him. The guy cry when his glass of water been drink by him. Here is the conversation....

Alex : Don't cry, I would buy you another drink. Ok ?

Guy : That's is not the problem, today is my most unlucky day. This morning I have been scold by my boss and I get fired. When I want to go home, my car been stolen and when I reach home. I realize I left my purse and credit card inside the bus. I get into the room, I found out my wife sleep with another guy. I leave my house and straight away come to this bar. Think and think again, I decided to end my life. Suddenly, you drink my poison....

There is a doctor who just buy a new motorcycle Honda and meet his good friend on the way home and offer his friend a ride. On the way home, his friend feel kinda odd because the doctor just use gear one. On the road, on the hill all the time used gear one only until the engine been damage badly. So, he ask the doctor...

Friend : Why you keep use gear one ?

Doctor : Nevermind, spoiled one gear. Got another one....

A blonde is driving through Florida on her way to Disneyland. As she gets closer she sees a sign that says, 'Disneyland left'. So she turns around and goes home.

Computer doctor

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....

One day alttle girl is running through her house with pink panties on her head.Her dad was getting angry so he finally took them off. The girl felt upset so she askd her parents for a cat. Her dad said no but her mom said yes so they got her a cat. Her dad was angry so he shaved the cat and named it pussy.The girl was really upset so she asked for a dog. Her dad said no but mom said yes so she got a dog. Her dad was so angry that he named the dog ass and kicked it around all the time. One day the little girl was sitting on her front porch crying and a police officer comes up to her and askes her whats wrong. The little girl says "my dad took off my little pink panties, shaved my pussy, and kicked my ass.

another version of star wars

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

whore house

A little boy hears the word "whorehouse" in school and asks his father what it means.

His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time.

"The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "mussie" to "have a good time," not knowing the little boy is following them.

After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he too wants to have a good time.
She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady, she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave.

Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried.

His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been.

"IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly.

"WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?""

I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last one."

There was once a bikers,who did alot of good deeds,the day before he died,he prayed and wished to go to heaven,and his dream was fulfilled,but he have long hairs(because he was another sort of metal-rocker),so on his way to the heaven gate,he met the guardians.

Guardians:Hi there,welcome to the Abra Gate of Heaven,may I know your name please?

Mike:My name is mike peterson,call me mike,can i pass the Abra Gate of Heaven now?

Guardians:No,it was because your hair was too long and you have to shortened it there.

(Just by the Guardians finished his words,Mike saw someone riding Harley Davidson big bike(with long hairs) and moving towards to the Abra Gate of Heaven without being stopped.In disatisfaction,he swore 'what the fuck are you doing?you saw that fella with long hairs moving in and you didn't stop him?and yet i got stopped just because of my hairs?)

Why is the man not stopped by the guardian?







He's JESUS!
That's why,Mike had just learnt his lesson,think twice before you talk!

Maths

Ignore the slang and think about the message!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND,
look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the BullshiT and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

huh?

1. Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at seawhenthey were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give usall your valuables!" The chief pirate then raiseda syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject youwith the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuablesand handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, theythrew him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with thepirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed hisvaluables and surrendered them to the pirates.Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared atthe pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (goand die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get mylolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Bengwith the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the seawith the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthucommended AhBeng for his bravery. However, they were prettyperplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus.Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared,what... I got condom!!!"